Diagnosis Day 

 

On the 22nd April 2022, I sat in an examination room in hospital after being recalled to have a second ultrasound and biopsy (following an initial mammogram/ultrasound and biopsy two weeks before) at the breast unit. At that first appointment I was told there was a “suspicious” area in my breast that needed testing and to prepare myself that there was a possibility it could be cancer. 

 

Well, now it was D-Day, I think deep down I knew what was going to happen today but I was hoping that I was just being pessimistic (as I usually am – for those who know me!) However, the consultant asked me to sit down, she had my test results on a piece of paper in her hand, her first words said it all “Do you have anyone with you today?”, my heart sank, I looked at her and said “Don’t say it, please don’t say it”, she took my hand and said those words you never want to hear, “I’m so sorry, the test results are back, I’m afraid you have cancer, the extra tests you are going to have today are to confirm exactly what type so that we can decide on the best treatment for you”.

 

While she was talking I could feel my heart beating faster and tears sliding down my face, it was like time had stopped, I could see she was still speaking but it was almost muffled in my head like I had zoned out, why am I crying? This is exactly what I was expecting, I should have been prepared to hear it, but even while I was thinking it would be bad news there was always a tiny part of me that thought…. no, it’s not cancer, it can’t be? My mom was in the waiting area, the nurse asked again if I had someone with me so I said yes, but before I could go and tell mom the news I had to go through more tests. I lay down while they did another ultrasound and some more biopsies, I’d had this done before so knew what to expect but this time it was more painful, needles into my breast and armpit for the second time – still bruised from the previous tests 2 weeks earlier, more samples taken, all the while I remember staring up at the ceiling and also into the eyes of the nurse who was holding my hand and drying my tears with a tissue, the tears just kept rolling down my face and I just kept thinking… Why me? What did I do? How do I tell Dave and my boys? How do I tell Mom and Dad? Has it spread? Is it curable? What treatment will I have? Am I going to die? 

 

Tests complete, I sat up and was given some water, my legs were like jelly, the nurse had been so kind, she kept apologising for what they were having to do and said how amazing I was doing, she told me I would get through this now they knew what they were dealing with, (a week later these tests would show I had Invasive Lobular Breast Cancer Grade 2 with a 4cm diameter, it was ER and PR positive and HER2 negative) None of this made sense at the time but was all explained later. 

 

To be honest I was just in a daze I think. I got dressed and went back to mom, I could see she was worried, I said “It’s cancer mom, I’ve got cancer, I knew it, I just knew it”, I could see she was upset but she said exactly what I knew she would – “we’ll sort it, we’ll get through it” – and I knew we would. I walked out of the hospital with tears still running down my face, looking at the people around me and thinking “what is the matter with them? Why are they just doing normal things? I can’t believe I have just been told this news and everything is still going on as normal around me?” I felt like I was walking out under a black cloud while the sun was shining on everyone else. 

 

I told Dave and the boys, a conversation I never thought I would have. That was hard, very hard. 22nd April 2022 will always be the worst day of my life, yet here I am 2 years on, I did it, I got through it, with help from family, friends at home and at work who I must have drove mad and I can only apologise for that and thank everyone who has helped me through some very difficult times. Life now has changed for me – am I worried? – Yes every day Will I ever stop worrying? – Honestly? No – I don’t think so. Do I think about cancer every day? – Yes unfortunately, it’s hard not to when I see the scars every day and take daily tablets for the next 10 years with the horrible side effects to remind me of it. 

 

Some people haven’t been as lucky as me though so although I don’t think I will ever get over it – I can live with it. I am here, so I win – right? LISA 1 – CANCER 0 Fingers crossed it stays that way – but in the meantime…… CHECK YOUR BOOBS!